I have absolutely no use for winter. As a season, it’s a complete waste. It’s always dark, everything is dead and bare, and it’s cold. Very cold. Unreasonably cold. On Friday, the greater New York area was treated to a high of 19 degrees. With the wind, it felt as if it were well below zero.
Why is this necessary? Nothing can thrive in such conditions. Sure, above the Arctic Circle you have fluffy seals and adorable polar bears; but the last time I checked, no such animal was working 9 to 5 in midtown Manhattan. I’m all for saving the environment and combating global warming, but if we could keep things above freezing, I’d be grateful.
What made Friday so awful was that, aside from a few noncommittal flurries, there was no inclement weather to accompany this unbearable cold. Look, if Mother Nature is going to dial it down to the single digits, then I say, “Mama, go crazy! Bring it on!” Give me feet of snow, layers of ice, skin-slicing sleet, and hail stones the size of tangerines. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing; that’s what I always say. I’d rather you just cripple the entire metropolitan area and leave me holed up in my apartment Anne Frank-style than have to dress for the Iditarod just to get to the gym. Go big or go home, you bitch.
Honestly, winter. Honestly…