Tuesday was a big day, obviously. Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States. Throughout his run for office, and particularly after his victory, I’m sure he got mountains of advice from some of the sharpest and most perceptive minds in American politics. However, the New York Times shares my belief that sometimes the best advice comes from sources you least expect. To that end, in Friday January 16th’s op-ed section, they published a series of letters written to the latest Commander-in-Chief by children from across the country. I saved the article, to share my favorite selections with you and offer my own commentary.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: he’s not going to make fun of children, is he?
Look, all I’ll say is that some of these kids brought it on themselves.
From Matthew, age 8: The first thing you need to do is put your stuff in the White House. Be careful, Abraham Lincoln haunts one of the bedrooms.
Practical advice, Matthew.
From Jasmine and Kimberly, both age 7: Is it true that you’re getting a dog? Jasmine has a Chihuahua named BaBii and it never grows. You should get a snowman dog, because it melts, and name it Rocky.
Crick and Watson’s astute observation on the size of BaBii cracks me up–almost as much as the name BaBii. Really? Also, what is a snowman dog? Do they really mean that Malia and Sasha should make a dog out of snow and just treat it like a pet? That’s really freakin’ cruel, if you ask me. You know, Jasmine, you don’t have to rub pituitary-challenged BaBii in these girls’ faces, okay? They have feelings, too. Also, Rocky? Bitches, please.
From Edwin, age 6: I like you because you won.
Edwin has 12 years to prove to me that he should be allowed the right to vote.
Mireya, age 8, includes the following on her list of ten things President Obama must do right away: increase literacy rates, decrease college tuition, increase pay for teachers. Remarkable, yes? Unfortunately, the rest of her list calls for a ban on difficult homework, legal limits on homework quantity, constant extra credit assignments (yeah, she’s one of those), and the oh-so-charitable decision to “let tutors do all the thinking.”
From Kenja, age 6: If I were president, I would have fun, because I could run fast.
… Well, Kenja, you’re not president. So, who asked you?
From Chandler, age 12: Here is a list of the first 10 things you should do as president: 1) Fly to the White House in a helicopter 2) Walk in 3) Wipe feet 4) Walk to the Oval Office 5) Sit down in a chair 6) Put hand-sanitizer on hands 7) Enjoy moment 8] Get up 9) Get in car 10) Go to the dog pound
… No one likes a smart-ass, Chandler. Also, hand-sanitizer? Our future is in the (bacteria-free) hands of a bunch of whimps!
From Catherine, age 6: If I were president, I would tell people to not talk too much. It wastes time.
Catherine, I like the way you think.
From Olivia, age 12: I have grown up with a very liberal mom and a very conservative dad. Thank you for bringing my parents somewhat closer together.
Is there anything this man can’t do?
From Edwin (a different one), age 9: I heard about Area 51. I wanted to ask you if there are any U.F.O’s there.
What is it with the Edwins? Oy. This kid’s in for a rough time in middle school. Hey, buddy, you need me to iron your Star Trek costume for the next convention?
From Chad, age 9: If I were president, I would help all nations, even Hawaii.
Chad, I’d like you meet my friend Mireya. She thinks that all Americans, like yourself, should read more. I’m inclined to agree with her.
P.S: The best part of Tuesday’s historic ceremony is that I now have the perfect Halloween costume…