Anyone who picked up a newspaper this week likely knows who this week’s piping hot plate of Honestly is being served to: none other than now officially disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.
Honestly, Blago. Where do I even begin? It was bad enough that you were caught quite blatantly trying to sell a United States Senate seat to the highest bidder. Then you had the stones to ignore the advice, warnings, and outright threats of those around you and appointed Roland Burris–who himself is deserving of a slap with the Honestly glove–to fill that seat. And then you carried on and on about your innocence, never once offering up any plausible explanation for the incontrovertible evidence against you, to anyone who would listen–and thanks to 24 hour news channels, there were plenty of vacuous ninnyhammer “journalists” waiting to lap it up.
But then, on Monday, Mr. Blagojevich, you blew my freakin’ mind. A rumor started circulating that on your short list of possible replacements for Barack Obama as the junior senator from Illinois was…Oprah Winfrey. You, likely seeing the writing on the wall by this point, confirmed this rumor on Good Morning, America, during the final lap of your death race across the cable TV landscape.
Honestly, Blago, are you fucking serious? Oprah Winfrey as the junior senator from Illinois? Did you seriously think that she would take that job? Did you think The Oprah was going to slum it on a government salary? Did you think she would just temporarily step away from her multimedia empire to vote yea or nay on a bill that protects the breeding grounds of Alaskan salmon? Honestly, Blago! This makes me wonder what would happen if you, God forbid, had decided to run for the presidency–or worse yet, had won. What would your administration have looked like? Carmen San Diego as Secretary of State and The Monopoly Guy as the Chair of the Federal Reserve?
You deserved to be impeached. You deserved to be removed from office. You even deserved to be legally barred from ever holding public office in the state of Illinois for the rest of your natural life–which is the political equivalent of being publicly castrated with a rusty pair of hedge clippers and paraded before the masses. You know why? Because you’re morally reprehensible, catastrophically arrogant, and just plain fucking stupid.
And finally, after you get a haircut, put a Y in your name, you douchebag. I don’t care how fresh off the boat you are; if you want us to pronounce your name the way you do, change the spelling.
Honestly, Rod Blagojevich. Honestly…