As some of my friends with whom I remain in almost constant contact can attest to, I can’t shut up about my time at the gym. This is exactly what I feared. When this grand experiment began, I wrote on this very blog that if I started to see positive results from my training sessions, I would become an even more unbearable egotist than ever before. Allow me to temper that with a bit of humor.
Aside from Jason the Miracle Worker and Stefan Koala, there are some other people at the gym that deserve mention. I’m not friends with these people, hence their fictitious monikers.
The Michelin Man – This guy is probably in his mid to late 40s. Maybe 5’10”. He surely tops 200 lbs. Most of it is muscle mass, and that’s why he has his nickname. Parts of this guy’s body are so absurdly large from years of overexercising that he looks grossly disproportionate. His legs are the worst. No lie, each of his thighs is probably the size of my waist–and I’m no skinny jean-wearing hipster. Michelin Man also brings lots of props with him to the gym: gloves, a weight belt, a giant water bottle, and the latest copy of Business Week. You really expect me to believe you’re reading up on hedge funds between sets of your preposterous lower body regiment? Honestly…
Thunder Thighs – This is the woman in her early 40s who sits on the hip abductor and adductor machines for up to five minutes at a time, ceaselessly opening and closing her legs. Excuse me, ma’am, but can I squeeze in a quick set of 15? No pun intended, darling. Seriously, though, calm it down. I think I see smoke coming out of your chach. Relax. You’re not tightening that up, anyway.
Fievel – She is the mousy girl who acts like she owns whatever piece of equipment she’s using at the time. If you work out near her, she sneers at you, baring her rodent chompers. If she’s alternating between exercises, she scurries back and forth between machines, like a nervous rat, making sure you don’t take the one she needs. Her hair is stringy, and she has that featureless, unappealing body of girls who ran track for too long. She needs a cheeseburger and a milkshake.
With the hours I keep at the gym, there isn’t much people-watching to do, but these three have been the stand-outs. I may have more to report on in the future. I’m even hitting the gym on weekends now so that I can prepare myself for–and I hope you’re sitting down for this–my very first 5K! It happens back in my old stomping grounds one month from today, and I’m excited to see how I hold up.
Since it’s been three months now since I started seriously getting myself in shape, I felt like boasting a bit (see?) and sharing with you some of the results. The core still needs work, but I’m happy with how the extremities are coming along.
I’d show you the results of all the squats and lunges Jason has had me doing, but it’s really hard to take a picture of your own ass.
In my past life, clearly I was a total meathead.