Honestly of the Week: 4-25-09

It’s back, and it means business…

Allow me to make something perfectly clear: I do not give one flying fuck about Susan Boyle.

I don’t care about her.  I don’t care if she’s never been kissed.  I don’t care if she just got a haircut.  I don’t care if she knows the location of the lost city of Atlantis and shits golden eggs.  I have had just about enough of this woman.  And try as I might to avoid her, she is fucking everywhere.  I’ve done my best to block out all the coverage.  I don’t read any news stories about her.  I don’t watch her television interviews.  Hell, I’ve never even watched the original footage of her singing.

Now, I know all of you sugar-coated optimists out there are saying, “Oh, Tyler, how can you give this woman an Honestly of the Week without having even heard her melodious voice?”  Well, here’s how: the woman is willfully embracing her newfound status as the standard-bearer of a terribly condescending moral.  Susan Boyle is aw-shucksing her way through life by letting a steady supply of journalistic slime parade her before the masses and say, “You see?  Ugly people can do great things, too!”

That isn’t news.  Ugly people are doing great things all the time.  Take a look around your office, your classroom, or even your dinner table.  Chances are you’ll see numerous ugly people who have accomplished many things.  Every single day of my life, I see droves of ugly people doing things I would never conceive of.  Was the rest of the world really not aware of the contributions of the aesthetically challenged?  And I thought I was shallow…

I’d really like to wish death upon Susan Boyle, as I would with other individual Honestly recipients, but I’m afraid that if she died there would be 32 days of worldwide institutionalized mourning, followed by her swift canonization and the imprinting of her humble visage on our currency.  I can’t even wish for a scandal to befall her (stealing money from an invalid aunt?  a cluster of illegitimate children abandoned to orphanages?  inebriated, racist messages left on a neighbor’s answering machine?) because that would only serve to extend her time in the spotlight.  So instead, I have only one wish for Susan Boyle: Go. Away.

Honestly, Susan Boyle.  Honestly…

~ T


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