Are you familiar with one of the latest children’s toy fads, Zhu Zhu Pets? Being a childless twenty-five year old, I myself was not…until today.
Holy shitballs, you guys. Observe.
The latest in pretend pets from our friends in the Orient, Zhu Zhu Pets are battery-operated hamsters that scramble down narrow raceways in pursuit of food, love, and validation. It’s like Hot Wheels for PETA members, though the racing conditions seem a tad inhumane. The Zhu Zhu Pets also can make sounds and exhibit moods, much like those late ’90s hits the Tamogotchi or the Furby (PS: How fucking creepy were those?). I suppose this is all part of an attempt to teach heretofore irresponsible children how to care for a living, breathing thing. Yet I think that educational value is negated due to the whole completely unrealistic objective in which your furry fauxdent jets away to freedom in an F-16. But, given the psychotic exercise regiment they’re subjected to, can you blame them?
Yet I forgive the Zhu Zhu Pets and their creators, and absolve them of all their sins. I offer my clemency because the “About Us” section of their website (which I perused for my research, as any good journalist would) begins with a sentence that I would have been proud to have written myself:
The best alternative to real live hamsters, Zhu Zhu Pets hamsters don’t poop, die, or stink, but they are still a riot of motion and sound.
Hands down, the greatest sentence I’ve read all week. Maybe all year. I challenge you not to bust out laughing each time you re-read that statement. God damn, I am jealous of the wordsmith responsible for that gem.
I also spare Zhu Zhu Pets a spank with the Honestly stick because they have inspired me to launch my own line of virtual companions: Zsa Zsa Pets! They’re the best alternative to the real live Gabor sisters, but don’t drink, die, or divorce their husbands, and are still a riot of gaudy jewelry and Hungarian accents! It’s just wonderful, dahling!