Good evening, citizens. Welcome to The Honestly Blog’s 2011 State of the Union LiveBlog. As I did last year, I will be commenting on the president’s address, as well as the opposition’s rebuttal. I will also be doling out plaudits and demerits to any number of individuals the cameras happen to capture. It is my hope that this can make this occasionally dreadful event more enjoyable for you.
So, fellow patriots, let’s begin…
8:50 PM: Can I just say, this Heroes/The Incredibles knock-off show on ABC has painfully bad special effects.
8:58 PM: Good to see the dad from 7th Heaven still gets work. Okay, seriously, can we get this show on the road, folks?
9:01 PM: That ridiculous trailer for the State of the Union may make me change channels.
9:02 PM: Oh, good. A new ribbon that we can use to evaluate people’s loyalty.
9:05 PM: Where are the other three Justices? I’m sure there’s probably a security reason for keeping them home, but I sincerely hope they’re just on somebody’s couch with popcorn and beer.
9:07 PM: That Congressman had braces!
9:10 PM: Will Speaker John Boehner cry tonight? Stay tuned…
9:11 PM: Not liking Boehner’s tie. -1
9:12 PM: That fat Congressman from Arizona couldn’t even be bothered to wear a tie. Honestly…? -20
9:14 PM: It might be inappropriate, but Mrs. O is a stone cold fox. +25
9:15 PM: Thank you, Mr. O, for making a slight dig at this ridiculous seating arrangement. +2
9:19 PM: Remarkable speech writing. This is the most delicate way of taking America by the shoulders, shaking it violently, and saying, “Wake the fuck up!” +20 to the communications team.
9:21 PM: I think the Secretary of Commerce has pink eye.
9:23 PM: Claps for Facebook! Honestly…?
9:24 PM: Senator Nelson of Florida looks like a vampire. -5
9:26 PM: The only problem with clean energy initiatives is that it’s not as sexy as going into space.
9:28 PM: People are sitting in the aisles!
9:29 PM: Barack Obama, leader of the nerd rebellion. +1
9:30 PM: No! The first black president can not use the phrase “show you the money”. No, no, and no. -10
9:33 PM: John Boehner is exhausted. C’mon, Mr. Speaker, step up to the plate. -5.
9:35 PM: That lady just mouthed “That’s me,” to the people on either side of her when the president mentioned her. Honestly…?
9:36 PM: Did John Kerry have a stroke?
9:40 PM: Nancy Pelosi’s “date” for the evening is outstanding! Way to go, Nance. +10 for you.
9:42 PM: Are all these new ties to South Korea going to bite us in the ass when North Korea loses its marbles again?
9:43 PM: That lady in the leopard print has no neck.
9:44 PM: Ah, health care reform. Now we know where the Democrats sit.
9:47 PM: Balancing the books is “the final step” in securing the future? Not, um, getting out of two rudderless wars?
9:48 PM: Michelle Bachmann clearly had some Botox tonight.
9:52 PM: Bernie Sanders looks about five hours shy of death.
9:56 PM: Well, if you put all this information online, but most Americans still don’t have internet access, isn’t that rather pointless? Or is it precisely what you’re after?
9:58 PM: Oh, good, you remembered we’re at war.
10:00 PM: “Afghanistanis with AIDS?” Sorry, couldn’t resist The Office reference.
10:02 PM: Really piling it on North Korea tonight, huh?
10:04 PM: Supporting the new Tunisian government before there is a new Tunisian government seems risky.
10:06 PM: And the Joint Chiefs remain stone-faced at the mention of gays.
10:07 PM: Kay Bailey Hutchinson is wearing an old marching band uniform. -3.
10:09 PM: Joe Biden finally gets to flash the teeth! +5.
10:11 PM: Not sure how a story about the Chilean miners is going to tie this all together.
10:12 PM: “We do big things” is going to be a hilarious bumper sticker.
Well, that wasn’t bad. It was way more focused at the beginning. The last fifteen minutes seemed kind of sloppy, with obligatory pep rally talk. I’ll tally up the points later. Now, let’s get ready for the Republican rebuttal, from Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan…
10:25 PM: Congressman Ryan’s eyes look really bloodshot in HD.
10:26 PM: You’re a minute into your speech and you’re already quoting Scripture? -15.
10:27 PM: Rep. Ryan has kids who are 6, 7, and 8 years old? You crazy horndog, you!
10:29 PM: After the president just challenged you to move forward, looking back and bitching about health care looks kind of ridiculous.
10:32 PM: If he ever loses his seat, Rep. Ryan can easily land a gig narrating audiobooks or educational films.
10:33 PM: Um, didn’t our economy bottom out first, and that’s why other nation’s economies collapsed?
Well, that was a nice debut performance for Rep. Ryan. I could have agreed with it more if he offered a little more that was new. The whole strategy of identifying with the Founding Fathers is pretty stale. Plus, seeing as how the Founding Fathers were a bunch of upper class, largely atheist, slave-owners who didn’t trust their fellow citizens to make the right choices, I don’t think they’d be terribly popular nowadays.
Now it’s time for the bonus round! Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, a noted Tea Party member, is going to give her own rebuttal to the State of the Union. Let’s watch…
10:49 PM: Oh, this is off to a bad start. She’s not looking at the camera.
10:50 PM: Oh, no. She’s got charts. Charts!
10:51 PM: Does she normally talk like Sarah Palin or was that an acquired skill?
10:53 PM: I’m not sure she watched the State of the Union tonight.
10:54 PM: Now it sounds like a PBS telethon. If you call your representative now, you’ll receive this free tote bag!
10:55 PM: The Iwo Jima photo? Honestly…?
Well, Paul Ryan owes his next re-election to Michelle Bachmann. She made him look Solomonic by comparison. Rep. Ryan may have kept things a little vague, but at least he sounded sensible. Rep. Bachmann just sounded like a paranoid weirdo, chirping about “ObamaCare” half a dozen times. Also, the low-budget public access vibe she was giving off was seriously lacking in professionalism. I mean, honestly, that was like watching after-school tutoring on TeleCare. If you’re gonna put on a show, lady, put it on right.
Well, shall we tally up the totals to see who came out on top tonight?
- The fat Arizona congressman without a tie: -20
- Rep. Paul Ryan: -15
- President Obama: -7 (That’s mostly because of that “show me the money” line, which I suppose the speechwriters are really responsible for. But, hey, he let it stay in!)
- Speaker John Boehner: -6 (If he had cried, he would have lost more.)
- Sen. Nelson of
- Kay Bailey Hutchinson: -3
- Vice President Joe Biden: 5
- Rep. Nancy Pelosi: 10
- The president’s speechwriters: 20 (I really should deduct for the Jerry Maguire quote. I really should.)
And who was tonight’s big winner?
I know, I know. She’s just the First Lady. But what a lady she is. Enjoy your 25 Honestly Blog points, Mrs. Obama. You’ve earned them.